Reprinted courtesy of the Placebo Journal, "The only medical journal that will make you laugh." (www.placebojournal.com)

10. Cut off all power to the room and pump in loud rock music (sort of like we did with General Noriega).

9.  Three letters - ECT.

8.  Low calorie, soft mechanical, low salt, low fat, low sugar, low taste, and pureed diet.

7.  Send in a new medical student on the hour to ask for a full review of systems and to perform a full complete physical exam (including checking Cranial Nerve I with coffee grinds).

6.  Hourly enemas.

5.  Admit your favorite patient with sleep apnea or with dementia (that tends to sundown a bit) to the bed next to them.

4.  If patient is a female - only have ESPN on the tube; if patient is a male - only have Lifetime on the tube.

3.  Have interns master the skill of getting arterial blood gasses on this patient.

2.  Have maintenance come in and install a "dripping" faucet.

1.  Have nurse attempt to insert largest size urethral catheter they can find (easily found at a nearby large animal veterinarian's office).