10. Fill bedpan with chocolate pudding and salsa; whistle Mission Impossible theme as she carries it away.

9. Call her "stewardess".

8. Try to convince her of your firm conviction that your tumor is the karmic by-product of "all those kids I ate".

7. Lock her in bathroom; insist that she refer to you as "Warden".

6. Act baffled when she enters to minister to you and say: "They told me I had a prostrate dancer".

5. Sew your right hand to your lips and laugh whenever she's around- oblivious to your dementia, she'll of course think you're cute and have a funny little secret.

4. Ask her if she wants to play "Find the caduceus.

3. Strategically place a copy of Hustler sticking out from under your mattress, your subscription label clearly visible. After all, they love readers.

2. Demand that doctor tell you why the night shift nurses dress in snowsuits and shout at you in Icelandic.

1. Fart.